My writing seems to be more disjointed now. I don’t seem to have the focus to work through a whole piece of ideas and conclusions. Last night, I laid in bed thinking, trying to write when I had the perfect line come to me. I reassured myself that I would remember it in the morning. Of course I have forgotten that perfect turn of phrase.
A comment was made about me last night, “He is more aloof now than two weeks ago.” So I decided to go back to the caregivers guide to see where I’m at.
My taste is starting to go. Not many things sound interesting. I’m really not that in to solid food. Cold cereal is the perfect thing to eat. Usually two of my meals everyday is some version of Honey Bunches of Oats.
The one thing I do crave is Jack in the Box chocolate milkshakes. With fries. Luckily the sketchiest fast food place closest to our house is a Jack in the Box. When friends come from the east bay they bring a fancier milkshake: the coconut boba drink.
But food, I could take it or leave it. The thing I am still most fascinated by is my response to the people around me.
I enjoy company. In fact there’s some in my house right now.
My nurse just left. Blood pressure is normal. She will get authorization to up my methadone. I have a tumor on the move in my chest. It protrudes out an inch square on my upper chest. A lot of new pain. So more methadone, less morphine. Excellent. Pot cookies? No problem. Hospice is really great.
But sometimes company can leave me very tired. It’s hard to know when or who might be that tired company. In my past, I would have never left a tired conversation. Now I can. All the talk about conserving energy is true.
Yesterday the thought came to me that I never thought I would express: Too Many Words. I love words, and there are probably more than a few of you have gotten into a tired conversation with me. My mom always told me the I had, “diarrhea of the mouth.” I think in words. I write in words. I love words. Too Many Words? I guess so. I enjoy the quiet in my mind and around me. Words and noise feel obtrusive and abusive. So I try to withdraw from both and keep the quiet encircling around me.
So that’s where I am. Not eating much, but enjoying what I do. And the quiet, trying to find it whenever I can.